Explanation of My Silence

A sudden gust carries the dandelion’s seed far beyond what the eye can see. But, the life of that miniscule seed doesn’t merely end or disappear. It doesn’t cease to exist or float into the abyss of nothingness. The seed has embarked on a journey forced upon it by elements of a greater power. The choice was beyond its diminutive life, but it was made nonetheless. A time will come during its aerial odyssey when it collides with a future that wasn’t planned, in a place both foreign and dangerous. That now meaningless embryo knows change is imminent and that change could mean disease or death. Yet, it instinctively understands that if it’s roots grasp the essence of vitality strong enough, it will signify life and survival. Today, the dandelion seed is alone, lost, and fighting for purpose. But, next year, with strength and perseverance, it will become a thriving plant possessing extraordinary beauty and vigor.

Friends near and far,

I’ve been absent from my online presence for several months, as you may have noticed. I’m writing this post to explain the reason behind it. I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible, but bear with me if it’s longer than you’re expecting.

Let me begin by saying this post relates directly to my personal life and experience. If you are not interested in hearing about that, then please feel free to quit reading right now.

A sudden gust carries the dandelion’s seed far beyond what the eye can see. But, the life of that miniscule seed doesn’t merely end or disappear. It doesn’t cease to exist or float into the abyss of nothingness. The seed has embarked on a journey forced upon it by elements of a greater power. The choice was beyond its diminutive life, but it was made nonetheless.

We all go through the journey of life that carries us to places far beyond what we know and what we’re accustomed to. It forces us outside of our comfort zones and puts us in situations that we thought we would never have to face. Sometimes we are confronted with choices and sometimes we are not. If the option of choosing what we want is removed, what else remains? Give up or lift your chin and move on, no matter how hard it is.

I’ve been experiencing the journey for nearly twenty-five years, and recently I have been confronted with the hardest obstacle of my life. It’s an extreme change, something that never cross my mind because it wasn’t supposed to happen. This event has been detrimental on multiple levels of my personal life and health, and in a minor way, to those around me as well. The experience is still so raw and sharp that I haven’t moved forward yet, but I’m here explaining myself nonetheless.

A choice has been made for my life whether I like it or not. I cannot change that fact and now I have to live with it. But, I won’t simply give up and let my life end. I will survive this deeply painful storm. And when the storm ends, I’ll be standing stronger than ever watching the sunset in all its beauty.

What is it? Divorce.

A time will come during its aerial odyssey when it collides with a future that wasn’t planned, in a place both foreign and dangerous. That now meaningless embryo knows change is imminent and that change could mean disease or death.

Only a fool would believe that things cannot change when life is flowing perfectly. Life is volatile and ever-changing, it’s constantly throwing things our way. The ups and downs it creates are what make us. We were our past, we are our present, and we’ll become our future. The events and emotions surrounding us create our current perspective. Sometimes we’re content and happy with where we are, but when shattering events change our state, we have to realize that change must happen.

Currently, it’s as though I’m looking at my future through an unfocused lens. Everything is blurry, unknown and scary. It seems hopeless and leaves me feeling alone and lost. No longer is it bright, happy and optimistic. Of course, that’s my perspective given my current situation. But, this storm and inner conflict is who I am right now and will forever shape who I will become. I am no longer the same person I once was and I never will be again.

I have been thrust into a new and unknown future, a place I have yet to understand. The change that I’m facing is imminent and leaves me in a position of extreme discomfort and depression. Everything I’m experiencing now is foreign to me.

I lost my wife and best friend. I lost my soul mate and partner. I lost the love of my life.

Yet, it instinctively understands that if it’s roots grasp the essence of vitality strong enough, it will signify life and survival. Today, the dandelion seed is alone, lost, and fighting for purpose. But, next year, with strength and perseverance, it will become a thriving plant possessing extraordinary beauty and vigor.

There will be things in our lives that we don’t understand, when we feel confused and lost. It leads us to feel distant from others and ruins our confidence and motivation, but when we take a step back and breathe, we can realize that this is not the end. It may be difficult and we may lose our way, but the walk back to the path is shorter than we think. Living life through new experiences helps us not only discover who we are individually, but also what our purpose is. We may struggle today, but tomorrow is always another day filled with opportunities.

This is my greatest battle yet. I’m facing a mountain of obstacles inside and outside of myself. I am lost and confused. My purpose has gone missing and I’m struggling to figure out where to search for it. The distance between myself, society and my relationships has grown considerably and has caused the loss of both my confidence and motivation. From a distance, I know my struggles are temporary, but in the midst of my emotions, it seems far worse.

My purpose in life has been lost, but it’s out there somewhere, waiting for me to discover it. I now have to force myself into new situations and experience life differently to find my way. The understanding I once held on life and love has slipped, but I’m still hanging on. To what? I don’t know. That’s what I’m here to discover. I will eventually climb back to my feet, dust myself off, and become stronger than ever before. I will survive.

Even though the love and perfection that I once knew is no more, I will find it again someday. But, I must begin by discovering my own identity and love for myself.

unnamed


That’s my story without going into details. Maybe someday I will share more with you. Yes, I was in a relationship with my wife for a long time and yes, I loved her VERY deeply. But, in my current state, with how raw my emotions are, I’m not comfortable explaining more right now.

I’ll wrap up by telling you how my online presence will change in the future.

My future is unpredictable. I’m not going to quit writing and I’m not going to quit interacting with those interested in my work. However, I cannot commit to a set schedule right now. I will no longer publish my newsletter monthly, I will no longer have regular blog posts, Facebook posts, or tweets. I need to work on getting my life in order before anything else. In a few months this may change and I may get back to being online regularly.

In regards to my literary work, I don’t currently have a publishing schedule. The next book that was set to release was the 2018 edition in my Short Story Pro Market brand. It had a loose release date for the first week in December. Obviously, that didn’t happen. But, given the right circumstances, I may still have it out by early summer. I’m not making any promises, though.

That’s all for now. Before I leave I want to say thank you to every single one of my readers, friends, followers and fans. Your time, patients, and friendliness have meant a great deal to me and will continue to mean even more as I develop and evolve in the future. I hope you continue to stand by my side going forward, even through the changes and challenges I now face.

I wish you all a wonderful day and I hope you find happiness in your lives.

Until next time,

TC Michael

Pasti-Kamu-Sudah-Merasakan-Kepedihan-yang-Pernah-Kurasakansad_quote-1177908I-am-fine-fb-cover-photoitm_sad-and-alone-facebook-covers-photo-for-boys2014-02-19_08-41-03_1

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Silence of Dejection

  1. Things will get easier in time..But you need to give yourself time…Time to deal…time to heal…and time to look Forward….

    Like

  2. This is the time to discover who you are as an individual. And remember, we grow with every painful obstacle. For without pain, how can anyone know joy? These are the instances that show our true bravery and commitment to life.

    Like

  3. I was very touched by your story. My husband divorced me after 23 years of marriage. I had to move out of state, leave my dog, friends, job and security. I will be 60 next month and never thought I’d be starting my life over again at this age. I’m scared and have no idea what the future holds for me…..

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s